[Year In Review]Don’t Quit Your Day Job -Five Acts From 2012 That Should Go Away
Hip-Hop was created as a culture and an art. As time has gone on, it has resembled both less and less. Pop rappers from the 1990s and 2000s, originally viewed as the dregs during their five minutes, now look like the high-water mark when compared to the swill that passes as music in 2012. We at Hip Hop Authority feel it is time to start calling out those that made 2012 sucktastic, and hopefully will go back to whatever corporate day job they moonlight at in 2013.
1. Chief Keef – Though we’re not quite sure of what Chief Keef’s actual day job is, we do know that he needs to be gone. Now. 2012 found him releasing possibly one of the more annoying songs in history in the craptastic “I Don’t Like”, being investigated for a possible connection in the shooting of a rival rapper and discharging a firearm in public. Nice. Somehow this guy received a co-sign from major label artists and even scored an Interscope record deal. Go figure. Terrible music combined with being a bad guy makes Chief Keef an artist that should just go away.
2. Bree Olson - Olson is a former girlfriend/”goddess” of the one man wrecking machine known as Charlie Sheen. For some reason, Olsen decided to enter the rap game this year and released a single and video for the horrid song “Hollywood Douchebag“. Obviously not a rapper, Olsen should probably stick to her dayjob, whatever that is.
3. Riff Raff – Here’s how one can become Riff Raff in a few easy steps. First, come up with the idea to be a rapper. Next, get on some reality TV shows. Hook up with Andy Milonakis and Simon Rex, both the kings of street cred, and form a group. Get signed by another truly talented rapper, Soulja Boy, and wait for your stock to grow. In the meantime, release nine “albums” over a period of three years. Hook-up with a great hip-hop producer, Diplo, for even more street cred. Become massively viewed online, which is the only place your hip-hop reality exists. Dress like Screech from Saved By The Bell with the personality of former MTV VJ Jesse Camp. Grow some gimmicky facial hair and wear your hair like a parody of a black artist.
You are now a massive success! You are also a massive tool!
4. Rick Ross – What can be said about Rick Ross that hasn’t already been said? Pretend you are a coke lord, stealing the name of someone who realized his wrongs and is now trying to make the world a better place. Really live your gimmick, even though your story is more paper-thin than Vanilla Ice’s was on Arsenio Hall. Make sure you get an XXL cover at least once a year, and make sure you are shirtless and puffing herb when you do. Continue to perpetrate, wait for real G’s to send in death threats cancelling your concerts, and then find something else to do for a living.
5. Lil’ Wayne – It’s not that Lil’ Wayne did anything worse this year than in years’ past, it’s just that he automatically gets the lifetime achievement award for sucking at everything he does. These days unfortunately, sucking is somehow considered an achievement, and doing it so well means your label will buy hundreds of thousands of copies of your own records as a gesture of appreciation. Pick up a guitar, which you probably used as a rectal thermometer a few minutes earlier, and now you are a rock star! When you can achieve without even trying, than what message are you giving kids who actually thought that music was art and poetry took skill? Sod off, you wanker!